Golf Jokes

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
from a heart attack!!! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying
here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on
the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let
him play through."


A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name
is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around
the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"


A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The
priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father but in my church,
when we pray, we keep our head down."


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did........" The woman begins to sob, drops the club and
puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know..... five... six... maybe seven times... just put me
down for a five."


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and
hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an
opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out
his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back,
hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"


The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"


Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothing happens." "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So
what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until seven. 


If you have any jokes (clean of course) then please send them to